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Lead:
- I haven't read everybody else's comments (maybe this is already explained), but is there a reason "Eight seasons of the program have aired, and a ninth and final season premiered on April 21, 2017" is cited in the lead?
- The show just recently wasn't renewed for a tenth season, so it's still somewhat fresh news.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 13:23, 30 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Concept and creation:
- "Rynda quickly began designing characters that fell in line with "Pen's natural aesthetic" but that were also "iconic [and] that any kid could draw and identify with".[20] Rynda and McHale also began drafting artistic guidelines for the show, so that its animation style would always be somewhat consistent."
- Both sentences have "also" in them (sounds repetitive).
- "characters that fell in line with "Pen's natural aesthetic" but that were also "iconic [and] that any kid could draw and identify with" " feels quite awkward to me. I'm not convinced "that were also iconic and that..." works grammatically, but even if it does, it feels awkward.
- I changed the second "also" to "additionally", and moved it to the start of the sentence. For the first sentence, I re-wrote it as: "With the producers satisfied, Rynda quickly began designing characters that fell in line with "Pen's natural aesthetic". At the same time, he also sought to craft simple designs "that any kid could draw and identify with".
More comments to follow. Moisejp (talk) 05:02, 30 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- @Moisejp: Just let me know, and I'll try my best to respond/change things.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 13:23, 30 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Conception and creation:
- "Eventually, the studio's rights to commission a full series expired, and Frederator—the short's production animation studio—pitched it to other channels." I got lost here. Frederator is the production animation studio, and their rights to commission (=produce?) a full Adventure Times series expired (how does that work and where do the rights go to?) so they were trying to get another channel to take over production? Also, I was wondering whether the fact that Frederator was the short's production animation studio should be included with one of the two earlier mentions of the company? Moisejp (talk) 04:36, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Good catch. The first instance of 'studio' should really be network, so I changed it to read "Eventually, Nicktoon's rights to commission..." Basically, the network had the privilege of 'first dibs', but once that privilege (which was on a time limit) ran out, Frederator was free to shop it elsewhere.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:34, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- "Hoping to improve upon the "pre-school vibe" that he felt defined the original short" / "When [the Adventure Time production staff] started designing the series, we tried to keep the good things about the original short and improve on it." Sounds a bit repetitive. Would it be worthwhile to consider combining these somehow? Moisejp (talk) 04:51, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- It now reads, "Hoping to improve upon the 'pre-school vibe' that he felt defined the original short, Ward and his production team attempted to 'keep the good things about the original short and improve on [them]' while developing the series."--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:34, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- "Adam Muto, a storyboard artist and creative director for the show since the first season, became the show's new showrunner." It kind of sounds here like Muto is being introduced for the first time, but actually he is mentioned a couple of times earlier in the section. Maybe mention earlier about him being storyboard artist and creative director for the first five seasons, and here only mention that he became the new showrunner? Just an idea. Moisejp (talk) 05:12, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- I removed his titles in that section and included them in a parenthetical sentence fragment immediately following his introduction.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:34, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Writing:
- "Ward has said he does not want to push the show's PG rating." Possibly OK, but I was wondering whether this meaning of "push" could be colloquial and/or whether it will be clear to all readers which meaning of "push" is intended. If you're confident it's OK, no worries, but if you have any doubt, you could reword it. Moisejp (talk) 13:07, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Maybe "Ward has said he does not want to push the boundaries of the PG rating" would be clearer. Moisejp (talk) 13:38, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Good suggestion. It now reads, "Ward has said he does not want to push the boundaries of the PG rating, noting, 'I've never really even thought about the rating ... we don't like stuff that's overly gross. We like cute stuff and nice things.'"--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:34, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Setting and mythology:
- "After the broadcast of "Business Time", in which an iceberg containing reanimated businessmen floats to the surface of a lake, the show became post-apocalyptic; Ward said the production crew "just ran with it". " I see from the list of episodes that this was the eighth episode of the first season. This might be useful to include so readers get an idea of how far into the series it got before the post-apocalyptic setting was adopted. Moisejp (talk) 05:28, 3 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- I read a little bit father and saw "Business Time" was a preview episode before the series started, and also remembered episodes are made concurrently, so maybe my comment above doesn't make sense. I still wonder if there's a way to clarify for the reader how far into the development of the series the post-apocalyptic setting was adopted. But if it's not feasible, no big deal. Moisejp (talk) 05:52, 3 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- That was an oversight on my part. It now reads, After the production of the episode 'Business Time'...", since the change was made after the episode was worked on, not after it aired.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 15:47, 3 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Title sequence and music:
- "The show's title sequence and theme song have stayed mostly consistent throughout its run, with three major exceptions." Are there also additional minor exceptions? If not, "major" could be dropped here. Also, is it three exceptions or four: "Fiona and Cake", Stakes, Islands, and Elements?
- Good catch. I removed 'major' and changed it to 'four'.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 15:47, 3 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- "Frederator, Seibert's production company, often posted demos and full versions of songs sung by the characters." Here does "posted" mean put them somewhere online? If so, on their official website? Moisejp (talk) 05:40, 3 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Clarified, changing 'posted' to 'uploaded'; I then then added 'to their official website.'--Gen. Quon (Talk) 15:47, 3 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- "The show also rarely, but occasionally, refers to popular music." I'm not sure that this sentence adds a lot, but if you want to keep it, I won't argue. Moisejp (talk) 05:00, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Still making my way through the article... now up to Critical reviews:
- "In 2011, Entertainment Weekly named Adventure Time number 20 on its 25 "Greatest Animated Series Ever" list.[106][114] Similarly, in a run-down of the "best animated series ever", The A.V. Club included Adventure Time and called it "one of the most distinctive cartoons currently on the air." " These two sentences sound quite repetitive to me: one talks about the "Greatest Animated Series Ever" list, and the second about the "best animated series ever". One idea could be to merge these together, possibly something like: "The series has been included on lists of the best animated series of all time. These include a number 20 (out of 25) ranking by Entertainment Weekly, and a listing by The A.V. Club, which called it "one of the most distinctive cartoons currently on the air". “ Or if you have another idea for how to merge them, that could work too. Moisejp (talk) 03:55, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- I incorporated your suggestion, although I left the first sentence as "The series has also been included on a number of best-of lists," as a previous reviewer didn't like the "best animated series of all time" idea.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:49, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Academic interest:
- Consider specifying "Researcher Emma A. Jane" (or whatever title is appropriate) and to Carolyn Leslie to make it all the clearer that the quotes passages are indeed academic discussions?
- I added who Emma Jane is, but I couldn't find who Carolyn Leslie is, so I just specified that she's writing in an academic journal.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:49, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Fandom:
- "Reporter Emma-Lee Moss said, "This year's [2014] Comic-Con schedule reflected Adventure Time's growing success, with several screenings, a dramatic reading with the show's voice talent and a special Adventure Time Cosplay ball."[130] The show is also popular with cosplayers, or performance artists who wear costumes and fashion accessories to represent characters from the Adventure Time universe." The first sentence mentions cosplay, but the second sentence is written as though it is introducing cosplay for the first time (it uses "also" and it gives a definition of cosplay for those who may not be familiar with it). I'm not sure the best solution to suggest, but it doesn't flow well for me as is. What do you think? Moisejp (talk) 04:51, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- I went ahead and removed the "and a special Adventure Time Cosplay ball" bit from the quote. My reasoning is that the very next sentence expands upon cosplay, so there's no need to really mention it prior. The quote now shows what was going on at the 2014 Comic-Con, but has been rephrased so as to not imply that only those things were occurring.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:49, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
I hope to finish this review off in the next couple of days if possible. Thanks for your patience. Moisejp (talk) 05:35, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Thank you for the review!--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:50, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Ref #206 has a date that hasn't occurred yet. I understand that is the announced date of the book. But would it be more appropriate to use a press release or something for ref #206? Moisejp (talk) 14:21, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Ideally, for something like that, we should have "forthcoming" as the date, but I don't believe Wikipedia supports that parameter.--Gen. Quon (Talk) 14:49, 6 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- OK, I thought of a work around. I have hidden the template citation, and manually recreated it. However, I have also added "forthcoming" after the date. Does that look OK?--Gen. Quon (Talk) 15:10, 7 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Episodes:
- "In 2017, during its eighth season, another miniseries debuted, which was entitled Islands." Minor comment, but this wording sounds like you are introducing Islands for the first time, but it has already been mentioned a few paragraphs up. Moisejp (talk) 13:51, 7 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- I have changed this whole section to read: "During the latter part of its run, the show began to experiment with the miniseries format. The first of these was Stakes (2015), which aired during the show's seventh season; the following season, both Islands (2016) and Elements (2016) aired."--Gen. Quon (Talk) 15:01, 7 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
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