Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Desmond Tutu

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Desmond Tutu[edit]

Am hoping for comments and feedback on what to improve in this article in order for it be classified as a Good Article. The article last had a peer review in 2005 - and significant changes and expansions have taken place since then. I'd also like some feedback on the percieved weaknesses of the article. I've been putting some work into the article and I'd like to know if there any significant problems with it. Thanks. --Cazo3788 (talk) 17:00, 17 March 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Yannismarou[edit]

  • MoS issues:
  • Inconsistencies in wikilinking years and dates. Single years should not be linked; a rule the article not always follows.
  • "Tutu was diagnosed with prostate cancer.[12]" Get rid of sucj external jumps. Provide proper citations.
  • I have a problem with the structure of the biography. What does "background" mean? Background of what? And why is "Background" divided from "Political work"? And what is "Personal life" doing in the middle? If I may propose something the structure could be "Early years", and then one or more sections about his political activities with the proper sub-sections. "Personal life" could be part of "Early years" or a separate section at the end of the biography.
  • Repetitions and overlaps:
  • I see there is an "Awards" section. Why then you speak again about his awards in the last two paragraphs of "Background"?
  • "On 16 October 1984, Tutu was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel Committee cited his "role as a unifying leader figure in the campaign to resolve the problem of apartheid in South Africa." "After the fall of apartheid, he headed the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, for which he was awarded the Sydney Peace Prize in 1999."How many times am I going to read in the article the same information?!! Repetitions! Repetitions!
  • "In 2003 he became the patron of Sabeel Ecumenical Liberation Theology Center located in Jerusalem.". And more repetitions!
  • "Criticism of Tutu" should either be merged in "Political views" or remain a separate section and become more comprehensive, not just treating two issues. After all, reading "political views" you see there criticisms as well, e.g concerning his stance towards Israel. Overlaps!
  • "Personal life" as it is now is full of stubby paragraphs. Improve the prose. This is a telegraph, not proper encyclopedic prose: "He has been married to Leah Nomalizo Tutu since 2 July 1955. They have four children: Trevor Thamsanqa Tutu, Theresa Thandeka Tutu, Naomi Nontombi Tutu and Mpho Andrea Tutu, all of whom attended the Waterford Kamhlaba School in Swaziland." And repetitive: "In 1996 ... In 1998 ... In spring 2007."
  • The article lacks citations. Try to have at least one inline citation in each paragraph.
  • "He vigorously opposed the "constructive engagement" policy of the Reagan administration in the United States, which advocated "friendly persuasion." I would like to elaborate a bit on this issue.
  • "Though he was most firm in denouncing South Africa's white-ruled government, Tutu was also harsh in his criticism of the violent tactics of some anti-apartheid groups such as the African National Congress and denounced terrorism and Communism. Tutu's opposition was vigorous and unequivocal, and he was outspoken both in South Africa and abroad, often comparing apartheid to Nazism and Communism." In these two sentences you repeat the same points a bit "clumsy" and without the proper analysis (and without citations).
  • I feel that his activities between 1975-1984 are inadequately analyzed.
  • Stubby paragraphs at the end "Political work". By the way, IMO the heading of the section is not nice. Maybe "political activities" or something else in the context of an overall restructuring.
  • "The Nobel laureate has expressed support ..." Better "Tutu has ..." And IMO it is not nice to start new section with "he ..." as you do in "Personal life". Better "Tutu ..."
  • In "Politics and political views" the article treats a lot of issues without a proper structure. Why "Indonesia" is chosen to be analyzed first and then G8 or Israel? You need a less seamless, coherent and comprehensive structure. And check the imbalance concerning the extent of "Politics and political views" compared to previous sections. An article needs the proper balance between the sections, this biography seems to lack.
  • Compared to the extent of the stubby "G8" the quote is IMO too long. If it is so important put it in an inbox; otherwise turn it into prose.
  • "Social psychology" sub-section is in the wrong section! This paragraph is not about politics, but about his scientific writings.
  • "Tutu has spoken of the significant role Jews played in the anti-Apartheid struggle in South Africa, has voiced support for Israel's security concerns, and has spoken against tactics of suicide bombing and incitement to hatred.[10] He is also an active and prominent proponent of the campaign for divestment from Israel, [11] and has likened Israel's treatment of Palestinians to the treatment of Black South Africans under apartheid." But prose, which does not present properly the two aspects of Tutu's stance: understanding of Israel's concerns, but compassion for Palestinians who suffer under Israeli occupation as well. And again the imbalance: Compared to the other subsections of "Political views", "On Israel and relationship with the Jewish community" is too long. "Beit Hanoun" should be incorporated in the previous sub-section. If it gets too long, create a sub-article per WP:SS.
  • I think the quote in "On homosexuality" gets also too long. And in "On homosexuality" again why almost no prose? Turn the quote into prose. The use of such long quotes should be careful. Check other FA biographies to see how quoted and inboxes are used.
  • Should "Chairman of The Elders" be a separate section? I thing it should be merged in another section concerning his political or general activities.
  • "Honors" is too long and has no prose. You could create a separate article-list, and have here just a short paragraph of prose per WP:SS mentioning his most important awards.
  • "Popular culture" and "Quotes" are listy and trivia sections, which are not recommended in biographies. Incorporate as much as you feel necessary in the main text, and get read of the rest placing them in Wikiquote.
  • "In "Bibliography" I don't see in many books ISBNs. Use Template:cite book to create a consistent list.--Yannismarou (talk) 14:29, 22 March 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Javascript review[edit]

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), months, days of the week generally should not be linked. Single years without accompanying dates, decades, and centuries should only be linked if they provide context for the article.[?]
  • Per WP:WIAFA, this article's table of contents (ToC) may be too long – consider shrinking it down by merging short sections.[?]
  • The quotes section should be removed. Quotes should be integrated, where relevant, with the text or moved to wikiquotes.
  • Please make the spelling of English words consistent with either American or British spelling, depending upon the subject of the article. Examples include: honor (A) (British: honour), honour (B) (American: honor), organise (B) (American: organize), recognise (B) (American: recognize), criticize (A) (British: criticise), criticise (B) (American: criticize), ization (A) (British: isation), travelled (B) (American: traveled), curb (A) (British: kerb), programme (B) (American: program ).

Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 14:00, 1 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

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