Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Charles E. Courtney

Charles E. Courtney

I am requesting a peer review to make this a better article and with some more work eventually make it a GA. I will be the first to admit I will never earn a living as a writer, so any suggestions on phrasing, style, grammar, etc. would especially be appreciated. 09er (talk) 14:35, 10 July 2008 (UTC)

Yannismarou

• I see many prose problems. From the first paragraph of the lead I see repetions, clumsy phrasing etc. A copy-editing is definitely needed.
• Try to have at least one citation in each paragraph.
• "a small town on the north end of Cayuga Lake at the time noted for pleasure and racing yachts." Not so encyclopedic wording.
• "Do to his poor workmanship he plastered yellow clay" ???
• Do not wikilink single years. Now even the wikilinking of full dates is under discussion.

Done, I just did single years 09er (talk) 16:30, 23 July 2008 (UTC)

• "The 36 year old" I think that per WP:MoS you need hyphens here. And here:"29 year old".
• "The decision to move into the professional ranks was one Courtney would later regret." Why? Give us a hint?
• "Plaisted retook the lead ¾ mile into the race. Riley made a move and passed Courtney and moved even with Plaisted. Riley and Plaisted’s racing sculls almost collided; this allowed Courtney to take very small lead just before the turning stake. Riley was able to take the lead back on the turn but soon lost it to Courtney. Plaisted dropped out around the 2 mile mark do to cramps. Courtney did not give up the lead and won by five boat lengths in a time of 20 minutes and 45.75 seconds." Just an example of choppy prose.
• "At the time the Grand Challenge Cup is regarded as the most important race in the rowing world". What time? Now "is" regarded as the most importance race ever?
• "Courtney is quoted as saying, "No kink in the back if I have anything to say about it."" Quotes need always citing.
• "When Courtney was deciding which men to put on his Cornell crew, he would pick men of high moral character and strong in their studies, not just for their athletic ability. He would also try" This "would" wording is a bit "archaic".
• "On July 17, 1920 died of apoplexy in his summer cottage on Farley’s Point on Cayuga Lake, New York near his boyhood home. After taking a morning row on the Lake and returned to the cottage." This "after" sentence is secondary, and cannot stand alone.
• "At first he did not think anything about the incident but he started hemorrhage from his nose and mouth." I do not like the "he did not think anything" phrasing.
• "Do to World War I there wasn’t any college". What is this "do to" thing again?! I first thought that it was a typo of "due to" but you repeat it.
• In citations why do you have some title with capitals?

If the headline on the New York Times' article is in all Capitals, I used all Capitals. Do you know if there is a standard? 09er (talk) 14:41, 23 July 2008 (UTC)

I don't think they should be in capitals. I do not see why.--Yannismarou (talk) 18:13, 23 July 2008 (UTC)

I will change them in a few days 09er (talk) 15:27, 24 July 2008 (UTC)

Done 09er (talk) 14:23, 31 July 2008 (UTC)

• "He helped transform the head coach into the dictatorial coach seen in twentieth-century." The term "dictatorial coach" is used in bibliography? You should cite here.

The greatest problem of the article is the prose. It needs great improvements. Read MoS instructions and Tony's essays and exercises. ANd try to cooperate with a good copy-editor.--Yannismarou (talk) 13:24, 22 July 2008 (UTC)

Thanks for reviewing the article; it may take a couple of weeks to go through the comments. I will leave a note on your talk page when I am done. 09er (talk) 14:41, 23 July 2008 (UTC)