Wikipedia:Peer review/Assassination of William McKinley/archive1

Assassination of William McKinley[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because… I'd like to see if reviewers feel it meets FA criteria.

Thanks, Wehwalt (talk) 18:06, 16 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'll do this. --Noleander (talk) 02:55, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Wording - " just over a week later " - May be better to just state the number of days "eight days later ..."
Wording - "Czolgosz had searched for the reasons to explain the hard times .." - Searched strikes me as too literal. Perhaps "Disturbed by the economic Panic of 1893, C turned to ..." would be better.
Photos, maps, and quote boxes are excellent: good assortment, good quality.
The pics seem to missing "alt" text for seeing impaired. Not sure if that is required for FA, but if it is ...

It is not, presently, and my experience in the past with alt text, the confusion and pickiness of it, leave me disinclined to add it unless forced.--Wehwalt (talk) 12:18, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

No problem. Please view all my comments here as mere suggestions from a FAC amateur. --Noleander (talk) 13:41, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

FAC is not handed down on stone tablets. I am glad for your clueful comments.--Wehwalt (talk) 16:14, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Book: The Man Who Shot McKinley - missing ISBN.
fixed. Alarbus (talk) 03:24, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]
See also section: I'd move it under the two large pics ... it gets lost where it is now.
Year needed: " Influenced by a speech he heard by fellow anarchist Emma Goldman, Czolgosz decided to kill McKinley, ..." I think the reader would want to know the year of that decision at this point in the lead.
Wording: "as infection within him turned to gangrene. " - word "within" seems odd to me. Maybe "As his infection became gangrenous" or similar.
Background section: Maybe split it into two subsections: one for Pres & one for Leon. Right now it is Pres/Leon/Pres. I'd prefer them separated. But maybe that is just me.
Section timeframe? - "McKinley gave only a short speech at his second inauguration." Sentence needs the year for context. In general, every section should start with a statement of the year/month within the first 2 or 3 sentences to give the reader the who/what/where/when context. The author of the article knows it all, of course, but readers tend to jump around.
"isolationism" - add link
"He was only just ahead of one ..." - not sure what that is saying? That he was standing in front? or that others followed him in tackling the assassin? Clarify the wording.
Overall, my impression so far is very, very positive. Excellent detail, nice prose. But I'll keep looking for nitpicks to ensure it has a smooth ride at FAC.
" out on a stretcher to an electric ambulance..." - Can the article define "electric ambulance"? I've never heard of that before. Is it a kind of electric car? or a gas-powered ambulance with electrical medical equipement in it?

It was electric-powered. Part of the point of the fair was to show off electric power (brought from Niagara, which was one reason why McKinley visited there) by using it any way they could. Thus the lighting of the fair at twilight was especially impressive for that time.--Wehwalt (talk) 16:23, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"Word that he had admitted to being an anarchist led to attacks on his fellows: one was nearly lynched in Pittsburgh." - The word "fellows" is a bit ambiguous, some might think it means personal acquaintances. Maybe say " led to attacks on anarchists in several cities ..." or similar.
I checked the rights of all the images, and they appear to be okay: no fair use rationales are needed.
Readers would benefit from a small amount of material, perhaps in the Background section, on the prior history of US presidential assassination attempts. Maybe just one small paragraph. How many were there before? When? What security arrangement changes did the prior attempts lead to? After all, the article has a "Pres Assass" footer navBox, so it is reasonable to view this article as a "one in a series" article, which should give the reader the big picture before delving down into the details.

I don't know about a section, but I'll see if I can dig up a few sentences.--Wehwalt (talk) 16:23, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Wording: " The procession of citizens greeting their Chief Executive ..." - Non US readers may not understand the term "Chief Ex". But the variation (vs President) is a good thing. Maybe link or define it here?
"... Czolgosz prepared to take a third shot. He was prevented when James Parker ..." - Maybe it is just me, but "He was prevented from doing so when ..." sounds better to my ears.
Dont lose importance: "For hundreds of years, abdominal gunshot wounds had meant death by gangrene or other infection, with doctors able to do little more than ease pain; only seventeen years previously, the first successful operation for such an injury had been performed". Those seem like two very important facts. Consider breaking into two sentences (each with own footnote & citation?) Also, clarify: "successful operation" meaning either (a) to cure/prevent/reverse gangrene? or (b) to fix/repair a gunshot wound in abdomen?

Repair without infection. In the days before penicillin and sulfa, obviously not easy given the bacteria our GI systems are filled with.--Wehwalt (talk) 16:23, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

It appears that this episode happened right as medicine was transitioning from a cruder era into an era of x-Rays, anesthesia, antibiotics. Do any sources talk about the "If only the shot had been 5 years later, the medical field could have treated ...." ... if so, it may be good to include it.

Actually, the sources argue that if Park had operated, McKinley might have been saved. He performed a similar operation only two weeks later. I'll put in a mention.--Wehwalt (talk) 16:23, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Chronology confusing: "At 2:15 am on Saturday, September 14, 1901, President McKinley died.[72] Vice President Roosevelt, 12 miles (19 km) from the nearest telegraph or telephone in the Adirondack wilderness, had been notified of McKinley's collapse by a park ranger sent to find him. At the time of McKinley's death, Roosevelt was on his return journey to Buffalo, ..." It took my brain a few seconds to get that sorted. I'd recommend stating the facts in strict chronological order: Collapse -> ranger find -> start return journey to Buffalo -> death
Wording: "Leech believed the nation marked a transition at McKinley's death:..." - Very, very key fact. Good way to end the article. Wording should be more direct, as in: "McKinley's death led to a momentous change in the character of the nation's leadership. In the words of Leech: ...."

I don't want to push it that far. And I'm really trying to keep the focus off Roosevelt, for once.--Wehwalt (talk) 16:23, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Recommend a link to Anarchism in the United States somewhere. I know See Also sections are taboo in FAC; so perhaps put it either (1) within prose of Background section on Cz; (2) in the InfoBox under "political motivation" etc; (3) using a {{SeeAlso}} template under Background sec title.
Wording: "The President gave it to her, then resumed work without his trademark charm" - I initially read that as "he became grumpy and aloof after he gave it away." I had to think: okay, why did giving away the flower make him unhappy? Then it finally dawned on me. Suggest reword to " ..without his trademark" or " ..without his longstanding trademark"
Okay, I'm done for now. Let me know if you want me to make another pass through the article sometime.

End Noleander comments. --Noleander (talk) 02:58, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'll work though these when I have had more coffee. Thanks for your hard work.--Wehwalt (talk) 10:48, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your work. I will probably not put this up for FAC until McKinley clears the page, or has enough support to pass. I will probably ask you to look in and comment at the FAC.--Wehwalt (talk) 14:13, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Ah, I see McKinley is at FAC now. I'll go take a look at it. --Noleander (talk) 14:23, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I've done (in some fashion) or commented on all of these.--Wehwalt (talk) 21:39, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Eisfbnore

"The President of the United States, William McKinley was visiting the Exposition, shaking hands with ordinary citizens at a public reception when he was fatally wounded by two shots from the gun of Leon Czolgosz, an anarchist." – a) missing comma after 'McKinley'; b) I'd reorder the last part of the sentence into "...from the gun of the anarchist Czolgosz"

I think that way of introducing Czolgosz is a little too direct for this particular setting.--Wehwalt (talk) 00:39, 24 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"The Secretary to the President, George B. Cortelyou feared an assassination attempt would take place during the event at the Temple of Music, and twice took it off the schedule." – another missing comma (after 'Cortelyou')
"In so doing, he interested himself in anarchism." – would be more idiomatic with "In doing so,..." unless I'm missing a point in American usage
"Two American presidents had been assassinated in the 19th century—Abraham Lincoln in 1865 and James Garfield in 1881 John Wilkes Booth, Lincoln's assassin, had been embittered by the Confederate defeat in the American Civil War; Charles Guiteau, who had killed Garfield, was an eccentric (possibly insane) who had been motivated by personal political and religious views." – missing full stop (period) after '1881'.
The section heading "Czolgosz stalks the President" sounds a bit gauche
"Upon arrival in Buffalo, the presidential party was driven though the fairgrounds on the way to the Milburn House, pausing for a moment at the Triumphal Bridge at the Exposition so the visitors could look upon the fair's attractions" – presumably the 'though' should be 'through'
"Cortelyou warned McKinley that many would be disappointed as the President would not have time to shake hands with all who would line up to meet him." – would be better if you'd swap 'as' for 'if'
I don't like the second sentence fragment in the caption text "Scene of the shooting inside the Temple of Music. Spot where McKinley was shot marked with an X." It would be better if you'd put an 'is' before 'marked' and a 'the' before 'Spot'
I must say I'm a bit surprised that you only have one citation to Johns' book, which, from the title, I'd guess to be the only book focussing solely on this assassination.

Nice work, and I can't help saying that I think it's a bit eerie that the French have such good articles about assassinations of US presidents... Eisfbnore ^{(下さいて話し)} 23:17, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

It seems to be a translation, more or less of the old English article, which was reasonably good and I considered keeping parts of it but decided to rewrite almost all of it, for cohesion. The Johns cite is from a bit I did keep; I have it on order but it has not yet come in (hopefully sometime next week). The other bit which is "legacy" is the bit about the Secret Service at the end. Many thanks for the review, I will work through these tonight or tomorrow.--Wehwalt (talk) 23:56, 23 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Except as noted, I've done those things. Thank you again for your thoughtful comments.--Wehwalt (talk) 00:39, 24 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

My thanks to all those who contributed. As apparently the McKinley article, my conom with Coemgenus, is just waiting for the paint to dry, I'm going to nom this for FA.--Wehwalt (talk) 08:35, 28 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]