Talk:William Utermohlen/GA1

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GA Review[edit]

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Reviewer: GhostRiver (talk · contribs) 16:51, 10 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]


I can take a look at this! — GhostRiver 16:51, 10 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Good Article review progress box
Criteria: 1a. prose () 1b. MoS () 2a. ref layout () 2b. cites WP:RS () 2c. no WP:OR () 2d. no WP:CV ()
3a. broadness () 3b. focus () 4. neutral () 5. stable () 6a. free or tagged images () 6b. pics relevant ()
Note: this represents where the article stands relative to the Good Article criteria. Criteria marked are unassessed

Infobox and lede[edit]

  • "who posthumously became known" → "who became known posthumously"
  • "military service; where he gained inspiration from Renaissance and Baroque artists." → "Military service. There, he gained inspiration from Renaissance and Baroque artists."
  • "from 1957 to 2001;" → "from 1957 to 2001,"
  • "and War" → "and war" (while elsewhere specific wars are mentioned, as is his War series, this appears to be referring to the general concept of war)
  • "around four years before his diagnosis, which would later be identified as Alzheimer's disease; and he" → "around four years before his eventual diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease, and he"
  • Done.
  • Delink "Alzheimer's disease" in the third paragraph
  • Comma for semicolon after "in the years following his death"
  • Done, I also went and change "even" to "also" Realmaxxver (talk) 19:16, 10 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • Per both WP:INFOBOXCITE and WP:INFONAT, the information about his British citizenship should be included in the body of the article, and then not referenced in the infobox

Biography[edit]

Early life[edit]

  • Combine first two sentences, and "His parents were first-generation German immigrants, and William was the only child that his parents had." → "the only child of first-generation German immigrants."
  • "with the GI Bill" → "through the G.I. Bill"
  • No comma needed after "in the Carribean"
  • "Carribean" → "Caribbean"

Career[edit]

  • No comma needed after "The first artworks that William made"
  • And in 1962, moved to London where he met art historian Patricia Redmond, who he would marry in 1965. Technically a sentence fragment (missing subject)
  • Not sure what you mean by "missing subject", but i changed it to "In 1962 William moved to London where he met art historian Patricia Redmond, who he would marry in 1965." Realmaxxver (talk) 19:50, 10 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • "in response to" → "a response to"
  • Done, put "which was" before "a response to"
  • "A good example" → "An example"
  • No comma needed after "made throughout his career"
  • "Cycle" is inconsistently italicized throughout this section, as is "pieces"
  • No comma needed in "The Conversation pieces have been described"
  • No comma needed after "fix the events of his life"
  • "Synagogue were inspired" → "Synagogue was inspired" for subject/verb agreement

Alzheimer's disease and death[edit]

  • No comma needed after "multiple lithographs"
  • "World War One" → "World War I"
  • "In August 1995, William was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, aged 61" → "In August 1995, at the age of 61, Utermohlen was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease."
  • Semicolon to comma after "He started drawing self portraits the same year"
  • Done.
  • "These" in "these watercolors" should be capitalized as the start of a sentence
  • "The earliest Mask was made in 1994; and even though the series did continue until 1999, it was most active in 1996." → "The series continued from 1994 to 1999, showing the most activity in 1996."
  • Can drop "Patricia" throughout this section since we already know her name
  • "become more and more unrecognizable." → "became increasingly unrecognizable."
  • "that would've" → "that would have"
  • No comma needed after "from 1999"
  • "2000-2001, consists of just a head" → "2000-2001 consist of just a head"
  • No comma after "The rest of the portraits"
  • "could no longer draw. William had to be sent the" → "could no longer draw, and he was sent to the"
  • No comma after "Princess Louise nursing home"
  • "William died at the Hammersmith Hospital, on March 21, 2007, from Pneumonia." → "Utermohlen died at the Hammersmith Hospital on March 21, 2007, from pneumonia."

Critical reception[edit]

  • Semicolon to comma after "notoriety after his death"
  • No comma after "article from History of Yesterday
  • Scrap the sentence on Vincent van Gogh as tangential

Exhibitions[edit]

  • "with his work being in twelve exhibitions from 2006 to 2008." → "including 12 between 2006 and 2008." both to reduce repetition and per MOS:NUMBER
  • Drop semicolon after "Notable exhibitions include"
  • Swap semicolon for comma after "in 2006"

In popular culture[edit]

  • Mention that it was nominated for an Academy Award

References[edit]

  • Good

General comments[edit]

  • Per MOS:SURNAME, we refer to subjects by their surname throughout the body of an article unless we need to distinguish between two individuals with the same surname. Therefore, throughout the article, all instances of "William" should be replaced by "Utermohlen"

Looks like a lot, but mostly minor stuff. Putting on hold for now, and feel free to ping me with questions. — GhostRiver 19:06, 10 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I've made a couple additional changes based on comments left, but otherwise, looks good! Passing now! — GhostRiver 21:45, 10 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
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