Talk:To Fly!/GA1

GA Review[edit]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Some Dude From North Carolina (talk · contribs) 13:30, 7 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Infobox – Summary[edit]

~~File:~~To Fly (1976 short film).jpg → To Fly (1976 short film).jpg (in the infobox)

Done Chompy Ace 23:12, 9 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Template:Infobox film recommeneds using "plainlist" or "ubl" instead of <br /> in the infobox.

Done Chompy Ace 23:16, 9 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Since only one form of currency is used, "US$" is only required for the first use (see MOS:MONEY).

Thanks for letting me know about this, I didn't know it's only for first usages.

Done Gerald WL 01:12, 10 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

"The idea of the film was mooted in 1970," – the sentence is short so I do not think the comma is necessary.

Done Gerald WL 01:12, 10 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

[[Independence Day (United States)|July 4]] – kind of an WP:EASTEREGG for non-Americans.

Done Chompy Ace 23:17, 9 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

"Spectators below looks" → "Spectators below look" (American English)

Done Chompy Ace 23:18, 9 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

[[History of aviation|a new age has begun]] – this also feels like an easter egg. I would remove the link since history of aviation is mentioned in the next paragraph.

Done Chompy Ace 23:19, 9 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Production[edit]

Working Some Dude From North Carolina (talk) 18:48, 24 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Is there any way to make a cite bundle out of "[16][19][20][21][22]" (in #Pre-production)?

Done; this is similar to The Empire Strikes Back, Aliens (film), RoboCop, Frozen II, Inside Out (2015 film), Bee Movie, The Emoji Movie, IPad, and Kyline Alcantara, among others. Chompy Ace 21:25, 24 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

"proposed to them" – specify the "them" in that sentence.

Done, it's the Smithsonian.

James Freeman[24] to make the film. → James Freeman to make the film.[24]

Done Chompy Ace 21:43, 24 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Wikipedia:Manual of Style#Punctuation before quotations (some quotes should end with ." not ".)
I reread the source and you're right; it's a full sentence. Done
Commas after "fiction, documentary", Robert M. Young and "still photographer" (American English).
Done
"Television documentarian and historian Jon Wilkman was also "briefly" involved in pre-production. NASA, the Office of Naval Research, and California Institute of Technology were also involved in the production." – remove the double use of "also" in consecutive sentences.
Done
Add a "the" before California Institute of Technology.
"the best film for 11 years he and Freeman worked on together" – please reword
What you you think of the current, Some Dude From North Carolina?
"directed and filmed ... frequently switching roles" – it should be made clear that you're partially talking about the cinematographer.
I changed "filmed" to "cinematographed" if that's oki.
"5am to 9pm" → "5 am to 9 pm" (WP:TIME)
Done.
"was relatively small but this did not" → "was relatively small but did not"
Done
"prompted the use of a storyboard and the script" – should this be part of the sentence it's in, or the next?
I tweaked the whole part.
"required use" → "required the use"
Done
"rules ignored" → "rules were ignored"
Done
"To have give the film a dramatic look" – remove "have"
Done
"cross and cross-back lighting" (WP:JARGON, what is that? This also applies to a large part of this section.)
I looked into the paragraph and tried reducing the jargon.
"audiences sits" → "audiences sit" (American English)

Done Chompy Ace 21:30, 24 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

"Because the IMAX screen is enormous, audiences sits relatively close to the screen and "the new center lies approximately one-third up from the bottom of the screen"." – This sentence sounds like an explanation of IMAX theaters. How does this relate to the rest of the paragraph?
This is relevant as it mentions the photography term headroom: because what looks small in conventional screens will be gigantic in IMAX, plenty of space was provided so the subject doesn't seem too close.
"latter was treated" → "latter were treated"
I can't seem to find this sentence?
"hot-air-balloon" → "hot-air balloon"
Done
"Some lenses specifically built for Hasselblad cameras" – is there a "were" missing in between this sentence?
I tweaked the whole sentence for more clarity.
Yuma Desert[14] took over four months to choreograph. → Yuma Desert took over four months to choreograph.[14]
I disagree. The Yuma Desert part is the only one mentioned in ref 1, while ref 14 is where I got the "four months" and "time consuming" parts. I moved it to the back though.
"hits a screen ... and shattered it" – what type of screen? Like, the camera screen?
Yep, clarified.
"pointing the ground" – word missing?
Done
"time period" – you can remove either one of those words and the sentence still works.
Done
"a 1891" → "an 1891"
Oddly enough I remember writing "Sierra No. 3" (with 'a'). Changed.
"They also learned from 2001: A Space Odyssey the importance of movement." → "They also learned about the importance of movement from 2001: A Space Odyssey."
Done
A lot of sentences in #Space_sequence use past-tense and poor vocabulary. Examples include "they learned something small like stars on an IMAX presentation is nothing on a traditional presentation" and the sentence that ends with "is impossible". Please make sure this section reads well.
I copyedited the section, see what you think
"to check" → "to make sure" or "to confirm"
Done
"Bellows and Hasselblad close-up lenses were used" → "close-up lenses by Bellows and Hasselblad were used"
Done
"Some scenes, including one at Saturn, was" → "Some scenes, including one at Saturn, were"
Done
Add "(fps)" after "frames per second" so the next use of the term fps makes sense.
Done
Add "the" before "three-dimensional effect".
Done
Remove the comma after Bernardo Segall.
Done
""the most professional and experienced symphonic"" – this sounds biased.
Tweaked.
"sprocketed, magnetic film" – what?
Clarified.
"expected audience" → "expected audiences"
Done
"Conoco helped fund the project "as a Bicentennial gift" to the NASM" (pre-production) ... "Conoco later became the film's sponsor" (post-production) – wait, what does this mean? Does "sponsor" mean they financed the film or that they promoted it?
It means that they financed the film. I removed the sentence as it's kinda obvious?
"combined with production" → "combined with the production"
Done

Themes and style[edit]

"its visual rhetoric shines" – WP:RECEPTION
I can't seem to find a place for this bit in reception. I think it's relevant analysis, as the nationalist, metanarrative theme is said to run throughout the movie, so it's interesting that one thinks it only shows in the space sequence; the citation is also a film analysis publication.
"a museum admission" – is this referring to the NASM museum?
The book doesn't explicitly mention NASM. I think this is great, as NASM isn't the only museum screening it.
"categorized a travelogue" → "categorized as a travelogue"

Done Chompy Ace 21:42, 24 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Release[edit]

"the inexperienced projectionists" ... from where?
Done
"the projection booth" ... which one?'
I think having the above point done makes this clear.
"entering" → "entered"

Done Chompy Ace 21:41, 24 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

"human's quest" → "humanity's quest"

Done Chompy Ace 21:41, 24 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]

"MacGillivray, who was close friends with Freeman" ... this is already established
Done
"as well as a shot of a vast forest with a score including a feminine sigh as the expanse is revealed" – too wordy
Done?
"screened screens it since its opening" – reword
Done
"It has also been show" → "It has also been shown"

Done Chompy Ace 21:41, 24 February 2022 (UTC)[reply]