Limerence

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Not to be confused with Liminality.
Psyche Revived by Cupid's Kiss, by Antonio Canova, first version 1787–1793

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Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" as an alteration of the word "amorance" with no other etymology[1] to describe a concept that had grown out of her work in the mid-1960s, when she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love.[2] In her book Love and Limerence, she writes that "to be in a state of limerence is to feel what is usually termed 'being in love.'"[3] She coined the term to distinguish between this and other less-overwhelming emotions[4] and to avoid implying that people who do not experience it cannot experience love.[5]

According to Tennov and others, limerence can be considered a synonym for romantic love,[1][6][7][8][9][10][11][12] passionate love[13][9][11] or a form of romantic love.[14]

Anthropologist and author Helen Fisher writes that data collection on romantic attraction began with Love and Limerence, with Tennov collecting survey results, diaries, and other personal accounts.[15] Fisher describes Tennov's limerence as "a suite of psychological traits associated with 'being in love'", and theorizes it to be part of a biological "attraction system" involved with mate selection in mammals.[16][9]

Early-stage romantic love as described by Tennov is associated with dopamine reward circuits in the brain[9][17][18][8] and falling in love may lower serotonin levels which is associated with intrusive thinking.[19]

Characteristics[edit]

The concept of limerence "provides a particular carving up of the semantic domain of love",[20] and represents an attempt at a scientific study of the nature of love.[21] Limerence is considered to be an emotional and motivational state,[9] attachment process[22][10] or even obsession.[14][23] It is typically experienced involuntarily[24] and is characterized by intrusive preoccupation[25][26] and a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings.[27][28]

For Tennov, sexual desire is an essential aspect of limerence[29] but the desire for emotional commitment is greater.[30] The sexual desires of Tennov's interviewees were overshadowed by their desire for their beloved to contact them, invite them out and reciprocate their passion.[28]

A central feature of limerence for Tennov was the fact that her participants really saw the object of their affection's personal flaws, but simply overlooked them or found them attractive.[31][26] Tennov calls this "crystallization", after a description by Stendhal in his 1821 treatise On Love. This "crystallized" version of a love object, with accentuated features, is what Tennov calls a "limerent object", or "LO".[32]

It has been suggested that "the state of limerence is the conscious experience of sexual incentive motivation" during attachment formation, "a kind of subjective experience of sexual incentive motivation"[33] during the "intensive ... pair-forming stage"[34] of human affectionate bonding.

Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infatuation,[35][8] or what is colloquially known as a "crush".[citation needed] However, in common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived.[citation needed] Tennov notes how limerence "may dissolve soon after its initiation, as in an early teenage buzz-centered crush"[36] but limerence may last much longer, even as long as 15 years.[37]

Nicky Hayes describes limerence as "a kind of infatuated, all-absorbing passion". Tennov equated it to the type of love Dante felt towards Beatrice—an individual he met twice in his life and who served as inspiration for La Vita Nuova and the Divine Comedy. It is this unfulfilled, intense longing for the other person which defines limerence, where the individual becomes "more or less obsessed by that person and spends much of their time fantasising about them". Limerence may only last if conditions for the attraction leave it unfulfilled; therefore, occasional, intermittent reinforcement is required to support the underlying feelings.[citation needed] Hayes notes that "it is the unobtainable nature of the goal which makes the feeling so powerful", and that it is not uncommon for those to remain in a state of limerence over someone unreachable for months and even years.[38] A famous literary example of limerence is provided by the unrequited love of Werther for Charlotte in the novel The Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe.

Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often derided and dismissed as undesirable, some kind of pathology, ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction.[39]

Evolutionary Theory[edit]

In a 1998 essay[40] (as well as in Love and Limerence),[41] Dorothy Tennov has speculated that limerence has an evolutionary purpose.[42]

For what ultimate cause might the state of limerence be a proximate cause? In other words, why were people who became limerent successful, maybe more successful than others, in passing their genes on to succeeding generations back a few hundred thousand or million years ago when heads grew larger and fathers who left mother and child to fend for themselves were less "reproductively successful"—in the long run, that is (Morgan 1993). Did limerence evolve to cement a relationship long enough to get the offspring up and running? [...] The most consistent result of limerence is mating, not merely sexual interaction but also commitment, the establishment of a shared domicile in the form of a cozy nest built for the enjoyment of ecstasy, for reproduction, and for the rearing of children.[43]

Helen Fisher's components of romantic attraction are largely derived from Tennov's components of limerence,[16] and in a similar vein as Tennov, Fisher has theorized that this 'attraction' system evolved to facilitate mammalian mate selection.[16][9]

A 1998 paper by authors Leckman & Mayes presented a comparison between Tennov's limerence, early-stage parental love and obsessive-compulsive disorder.[12] A 2023 paper by Adam Bode has incorporated this analysis by Leckman & Mayes in to a theory that romantic love evolved by co-opting the brain systems for mother-infant bonding.[44]

Components[edit]

Dorothy Tennov's original components from Love and Limerence were:[45]

  • intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire (the limerent object or "LO"), who is a possible sexual partner
  • acute longing for reciprocation
  • dependency of mood on LO's actions or, more accurately, your interpretation of LO's actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
  • inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time (exceptions occur only when limerence is at low ebb—early on or in the last fading)
  • some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by LO that means reciprocation
  • fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating but always unsettling shyness in LO's presence, especially in the beginning and whenever uncertainty strikes
  • intensification through adversity (at least, up to a point)
  • acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable" explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO
  • an aching of the "heart" (a region in the center front of the chest) when uncertainty is strong
  • buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
  • a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
  • a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative, even to respond with a compassion for the negative and render it, emotionally if not perceptually, into another positive attribute.

Intrusive thinking and fantasy[edit]

Dorothy Tennov wrote that "Limerence is first and foremost a condition of cognitive obsession."[46]

At the height of obsessive fantasy, people experiencing limerence may spend 85 to nearly 100% of their days and nights doting on the object of their love, lose ability to focus on other tasks and become easily distracted.[26]

Such "intrusive thinking about the LO ... appear[s] to be genetically driven".[47] It has been speculated that being in love may lower serotonin levels in the brain, which could cause the intrusive thinking,[16][19] although this connection has not been directly confirmed.[11]

According to Tennov, limerent fantasy is unsatisfactory unless rooted in reality, because the fantasizer may want the fantasy to seem realistic and somewhat possible.[48]

Fear of rejection[edit]

Tennov's conception of fear of rejection was characterized by nervous feelings and shyness around LO, "worried that your own actions may bring about disaster."[49] She quotes the poet Sappho who writes "Sweat runs down in rivers, a tremor seizes [...] Lost in the love-trance."[50] One of Tennov's interviewees, 28-year-old truck driver, says "It was like what you might call stage fright, like going up in front of an audience. [...] I was awkward as hell."[51]

Many of the people Tennov interviewed described being normally confident, but suddenly shy when LO is around, or being only in this state of fear with certain LOs but not others.[52]

Tennov wonders if fear of rejection serves an evolutionary purpose, by drawing out the courtship process to ensure a greater chance of finding a compatible partner.[53]

Hope[edit]

Limerence develops and is sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. The basis for limerent hope is not in objective reality but in reality as it is perceived. The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior for evidence of limerent hope. "Lovers, of course, are notoriously frantic epistemologists, second only to paranoiacs (and analysts) as readers of signs and wonders."[54] "Little things" are noticed and endlessly analyzed for meaning. Such excessive concern over trivia may not be entirely unfounded, however, as body language can indicate reciprocated feeling. What the limerent object said and did is recalled with vividness. Alternative meanings for the behaviors recalled are sought. Each word and gesture is permanently available for review, especially those interpreted as evidence in favor of reciprocated feeling. When objects, people, places or situations are encountered with the limerent object, they are vividly remembered, especially if the limerent object interacted with them in some way.

The belief that the limerent object does not and/or will not reciprocate can only be reached with great difficulty. Limerence can be carried quite far before acknowledgment of rejection is genuine, especially if it has not been addressed openly by the limerent object.

Loneliness[edit]

Shaver and Hazan observed that those suffering from loneliness are significantly more susceptible to limerence,[55] arguing that "if people have a large number of unmet social needs, and are not aware of this, then a sign that someone else might be interested is easily built up in that person's imagination into far more than the friendly social contact that it might have been. By dwelling on the memory of that social contact, the lonely person comes to magnify it into a deep emotional experience, which may be quite different from the reality of the event."[56]

Effects[edit]

Physical[edit]

The physiological effects of limerence can include trembling, pallor, flushing, a general weakness, sweating, butterflies in the stomach and a pounding heart.[24]

Psychological[edit]

Awkwardness, stuttering, shyness, and confusion predominate at the behavioral level. A sense of paralyzing ambiguity predominates, punctuated by pining. Intermittent or nonreciprocal responses lead to labile vacillation between despair and ecstasy. This limbo is the threshold for mental prostration.[citation needed]

The sensitivity that stems from fear of rejection can darken perceptions of the limerent object's body language. Conflicted signs of desire may be displayed causing confusion. Often, the limerent object is involved with another or is in some other way unavailable.[57]

A condition of sustained alertness, a heightening of awareness and an enormous fund of energy to deploy in pursuit of the limerent aim is developed. The sensation of limerence is felt in the midpoint of the chest, bottom of the throat, guts, or in some cases in the abdominal region.[2] This can be interpreted as ecstasy at times of mutuality, but its presence is most noticeable during despair at times of rejection.

Sexuality[edit]

Awareness of physical attraction plays a key role in the development of limerence,[58] but is not enough to satisfy the limerent desire, and is almost never the main focus; instead, the limerent focuses on what could be defined as the "beneficial attributes". Nevertheless, Tennov stresses that "the most consistent desired result of limerence is mating, not merely sexual interaction but also commitment".[59][clarification needed]

Sexual fantasies are distinct from limerent fantasies. Limerent fantasy is rooted in reality and is intrusive rather than voluntary. Sexual fantasies are under more or less voluntary control and may involve strangers, imaginary individuals, and situations that could not take place. People can become aroused by the thought of sexual partners, acts, and situations that are not truly desired, whereas every detail of the limerent fantasy is passionately desired actually to take place.

Limerence sometimes increases sexual interest in other partners when the limerent object is unreceptive or unavailable.[60]

Duration[edit]

Tennov estimates, based on both questionnaire and interview data, that limerence most commonly lasts between 18 months and three years with an average of two years,[61] but may be as short as mere days[62] or as long as a lifetime.[61] Duration may be related to the perception of reciprocity[62] and shorter limerence may be less intense.[61]

According to a HuffPost opinion blog by David Sack, an addiction psychiatrist, limerence lasts longer than romantic love, but is shorter than a committed partnership.[63] However, Tennov and others considered limerence as a synonym with romantic love[6][7][8][9][11] and others in peer-reviewed material suggest that Tennov's estimate is the normal duration of romantic love.[11] Still others suggest that "the biogenetic sourcing of limerence determines its limitation, ordinarily, to a two-year span".[64]

Tennov notes that feelings may evolve over the duration of a relationship: "Those whose limerence was replaced by affectional bonding with the same partner might say, 'We were very much in love when we married; today we love each other very much'".[65] The distinction is comparable to that drawn by ethologists "between the pair-forming and pair-maintaining functions of sexual activity",[34] just as "the attachment of the attachment theorists is very similar to the emotional reciprocation longed for in Tennov's limerence, and each is linked to sexuality".[66]

Bond varieties[edit]

Main article: Human bonding

Once the limerent reaction has initiated, one of three varieties of bonds may form, defined over a set duration of time, in relation to the experience or non-experience of limerence. The constitution of these bonds may vary over the course of the relationship, in ways that may either increase or decrease the intensity of the limerence.

The basis and interesting characteristic of this delineation made by Tennov, is that based on her research and interviews with people, all human bonded relationships can be divided into three varieties being defined by the amount of limerence or non-limerence each partner contributes to the relationship.

With an affectional bond, neither partner is limerent. With a limerent–nonlimerent bond, one partner is limerent. In a limerent–limerent bond, both partners are limerent.

Affectional bonding characterize those affectionate sexual relationships where neither partner is limerent; couples tend to be in love, but do not report continuous and unwanted intrusive thinking, feeling intense need for exclusivity, or define their goals in terms of reciprocity. These types of bonded couples tend to emphasize compatibility of interests, mutual preferences in leisure activities, ability to work together, and in some cases a degree of relative contentment.

The type of relationship between a limerent person and a nonlimerent other, i.e. limerent–nonlimerent bonding, was "probably" the "most prevalent" according to Tennov.[67] These bonds are characterized by unequal reciprocation.

Lastly, those relationship bonds in which there exists mutual reciprocation are defined as limerent–limerent bondings. Tennov argues that since limerence itself is an "unstable state", mutually limerent bonds would be expected to be short-lived; mixed relationships probably last longer than limerent-limerent relationships. Some limerent-limerent relationships evolve into affectional bondings over time as limerence declines. Tennov describes such couples as "old marrieds" whose interactions are typically both stable and mutually gratifying.

Mitigation[edit]

In her study Tennov identified three ways in which limerence subsides:

Consummation (reciprocation)
Each limerent has a slightly different view of acceptable reciprocation, and the reactions to reciprocation vary. Some limerents remain limerent (as documented by Tennov), while for others the limerence subsides as the certainty of reciprocity grows. Other limerents do not achieve any "real" consummation (e.g., physical, or in the form of an actual relationship) but find their limerence waning after a limerent object professes similar feelings.
Starvation
In this process, a lack of any notice (i.e., starvation, described by Tennov as "the onslaught of evidence that LO does not return the limerence") causes the limerent to gradually desensitize. This desensitization may take a long time, in which case a limerent's latent hypersensitivity may cause any attention given by a former LO, regardless of how slight, to be interpreted as a reason for hope, precipitating a resurgence of limerence.
Transference
The limerent transfers their romantic feelings to another person, thereby ending the initial limerence; the limerence is sometimes transferred as well.

Controversy[edit]

In the 1999 preface to her revised edition of Love and Limerence, Dorothy Tennov describes limerence as an aspect of basic human nature and remarks "Reaction to limerence theory depends partly on acquaintance with the evidence for it and partly on personal experience. People who have not experienced limerence are baffled by descriptions of it and are often resistant to the evidence that it exists. To such outside observers, limerence seems pathological."[30]

In 2008, Albert Wakin, a professor who knew Tennov at the University of Bridgeport but did not assist in her research, and Duyen Vo, a graduate student, suggested that limerence is similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder and substance use disorder. They presented work on this to the American Association of Behavioral and Social Sciences, but suggested that much more research is needed before it could be suggested to the APA that limerence be included in the DSM. They began conducting a study in 2008 but have not published results.[7]

However, Tennov states that limerence is normal[68] and reports that even those of her interviewees who experienced obsessive, distressing, unrequited limerence were "fully functioning, rational, emotionally stable, normal, nonneurotic, nonpathological members of society" and "could be characterized as responsible and quite sane". She suggests that limerence is too often interpreted as "mental illness" in psychiatry. Tragedies such as violence, she says, involve limerence when it's "augmented and distorted" by other conditions, which she contrasts with "pure limerence".[69]

Critics argue that Tennov's account "is based on interviews rather than on direct observation", but conclude that "despite its shortcomings, Tennov's work may constitute a basis for informed hypothesis formulation".[70]

Authors in peer-reviewed material have written that limerence is a romantic attraction system in the brain and serves a biological function.[9] A study using fMRI has shown this to be related to dopamine and reward circuits in the brain.[9][18]

See also[edit]

References[edit]

  1. ^ a b "Will limerence take the place of love?". The Observer. 11 September 1977. One of the most illuminating sessions was when Dorothy Tennov [...] described her attempts to find a suitable term for 'romantic love.' [...] 'I first used the term "amorance" then changed it back to "limerence,"' she told her audience. 'It has no roots whatsoever. It looks nice. It works well in French. Take it from me it has no etymology whatsoever.'
  2. ^ a b Tennov, Dorothy (1999). Love and Limerence: the Experience of Being in Love. Scarborough House. ISBN 978-0-8128-6286-7. Retrieved 12 March 2011.
  3. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 16
  4. ^ "That crazy little thing called love". The Guardian. 14 December 2003. Retrieved 15 April 2009.
  5. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 15
  6. ^ a b Tennov 1999, p. 172
  7. ^ a b c Jayson, Sharon (6 February 2008). "'Limerence' makes the heart grow far too fonder". USA Today. Gannett Co. Inc. Archived from the original (web) on 10 February 2008. Retrieved 16 October 2008.
  8. ^ a b c d Frankel, Valerie (2002). "The Love Drug" (web). Oprah. Retrieved 19 March 2024.
  9. ^ a b c d e f g h i Fisher, Helen (October 2002). "Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment". Archives of Sexual Behavior. 31: 413–419. Retrieved 18 February 2024.
  10. ^ a b Feeney, Judith; Noller, Patricia (1990). "Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships". Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 58 (2): 281–291. Retrieved 23 March 2024.
  11. ^ a b c d e Bode, Adam; Kushnick, Geoff (11 April 2021). "Proximate and Ultimate Perspectives on Romantic Love". Frontiers in Psychology. 12. Retrieved 19 March 2024.
  12. ^ a b Leckman, James; Mayes, Linda (July 1999). "Preoccupations and Behaviors Associated with Romantic and Parental Love: Perspectives on the Origin of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder". Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America. 8 (3): 635–665. Retrieved 7 April 2024.
  13. ^ Hatfield, Elaine (1988). The Psychology of Love. Yale University Press. pp. 191–217. ISBN 9780300045895.
  14. ^ a b (unknown), Wanda (21 January 1980). "Let's Fall in Limerence". Time. Time Inc. Archived from the original on 27 March 2008. Retrieved 16 October 2008.
  15. ^ Fisher, Helen (2016). Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray (Completely Revised and Updated). W. W. Norton & Company. ISBN 978-0-393-34974-0. Retrieved 18 February 2024.
  16. ^ a b c d Fisher, Helen (March 1998). "Lust, attraction, and attachment in mammalian reproduction". Human Nature. 9: 23–52. Retrieved 18 February 2024.
  17. ^ Aron, Arthur; Fisher, Helen; Mashek, Debra; Strong, Greg (1 July 2005). "Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love". Journal of Neurophysiology. 94 (1): 327–337. Retrieved 4 May 2024.
  18. ^ a b Fisher, Helen; Xu, Xiaomeng; Aron, Arthur; Brown, Lucy (9 May 2016). "Intense, Passionate, Romantic Love: A Natural Addiction? How the Fields That Investigate Romance and Substance Abuse Can Inform Each Other". Frontiers in Psychology. 7. Retrieved 18 February 2024.
  19. ^ a b Marazziti, D.; Akiskal, H. S.; Rossi, A.; Cassano, G. B. (1999). "Alteration of the platelet serotonin transporter in romantic love". Psychol. Med. 29 (3): 741–745. doi:10.1017/S0033291798007946. PMID 10405096. S2CID 12630172.
  20. ^ De Munck, V. C., ed. (1998). Romantic Love and Sexual Behavior. p. 5.
  21. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. x–xi
  22. ^ Hazan, Cindy; Shaver, Phillip (April 1987). "Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process". Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 52 (3): 511–524. Retrieved 23 March 2024.
  23. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 33
  24. ^ a b Fisher 2016, p. 22
  25. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 23, 38, 42
  26. ^ a b c Fisher 2016, p. 21
  27. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 23–24
  28. ^ a b Fisher 2016, p. 23
  29. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 24–25
  30. ^ a b Tennov 1999, p. x
  31. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 24, 29–33
  32. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 29–33
  33. ^ Ågmo 2007, pp. 173, 186
  34. ^ a b Morris 1994, p. 223
  35. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 85
  36. ^ Leggett & Malm 1995, p. 86
  37. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 87
  38. ^ Hayes, Nicky (2000), Foundations of Psychology (3rd ed.), London: Thomson Learning, p. 457, ISBN 1861525893
  39. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. x, 14, 110–118, 166–185
  40. ^ Tennov 1998, pp. 81–82
  41. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 242–249
  42. ^ Tennov 1998, pp. 81–82
  43. ^ Tennov 1998, pp. 81–82
  44. ^ Bode, Adam (16 October 2023). "Romantic love evolved by co-opting mother-infant bonding". Frontiers in Psychology. 14. Retrieved 4 May 2024.
  45. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 23–24
  46. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 33
  47. ^ Moore 1998, p. 268
  48. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 85, 86
  49. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 49
  50. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 48–49
  51. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 49–50
  52. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 51–54
  53. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 247
  54. ^ Phillips, Adam. On Flirtation (London 1994) p. 41
  55. ^ Shaver, Phillip; Hazan, Cindy (1985), "Incompatibility, Loneliness, and "Limerence"", in Ickes, W. (ed.), Compatible and Incompatible Relationships, Springer, New York, NY, pp. 163–184, doi:10.1007/978-1-4612-5044-9_8, ISBN 978-1-4612-9538-9
  56. ^ Hayes 2000, p. 460
  57. ^ Banker, Robin M. (2010). Socially Prescribed Perfectionism and Limerence in Interpersonal Relationships. University of New Hampshire (Department of Education).
  58. ^ Tennov 1998, p. 96
  59. ^ Tennov 1998, p. 82
  60. ^ Banker, Robin (1 January 2010). "Socially prescribed perfectionism and limerence in interpersonal relationships". Master's Theses and Capstones.
  61. ^ a b c Tennov 1999, p. 142
  62. ^ a b Tennov 1999, p. 141
  63. ^ Sack, David (28 June 2012). "Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction" (web). Huffington Post. Retrieved 25 December 2016.
  64. ^ Leggett & Malm 1995, p. 139
  65. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 243
  66. ^ Moore 1998, p. 260
  67. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 133
  68. ^ Tennov 1999, p. 180
  69. ^ Tennov 1999, pp. 89–90
  70. ^ Ågmo 2007, p. 172

Bibliography[edit]

External links[edit]

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